Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Struggles and Insecurities... uuhhhhggg.

For a while now, I have been missing bible study. I missed having the commonality with other moms(of all ages), I missed the commonality of having women around that were willing to be "real", willing to lay down their guards in order to lift one another up as sisters in Christ. I finally decided I would be brave and do something out of my safe house, find a bible study. It is always amazing to me to see how God lays out cards one by one, and it all comes out to his glory. It is amazing to me that through a minister, Michael and I had met once, 4 months ago while looking for a new church home, that I would find not only a Ladies Bible Class, that offered everything I was seeking relationally, but also a study that would open my heart to hear God speak to me to the very pit of my soul.
I have over the last several months, been discouraged by my family and my church family. Hurt by the leaders of the church. Confused with why God would put my family in such a hard situation. Questioning everything I believed as a christian... and finding no answers except that I was lost and confused and feeling very alone. I have found myself feeling lost, shutting down to those around me. Several of our dear friends also left the church and we are now worshipping together in a home. Which brought up a whole new issue for me, b/c now instead of trying to ignore the sin and trials that were happening in our past church I had to face them dead on. I had to open myself up to trust people from the same family I was running from. I found myself daily wondering... what is their purpose? What are they going to do to hurt me? Why are they doing this to my family? As this continued on, I went out of town to help take care of my mom post surgery... I always get myself worked up to deal with situations with my family... and found myself on edge. Questioning every word said, every action taken. Very much on the defensive, and allowing it to carry on to every other relationship in my life at the time, my husband, my children, my dearest friends, and my church family(you know the ones I was avoiding).

At the same time, I started through the Beth Moore Ester study, I began to realize.... Yes, there are some people that are out to make you feel weak, and unworthy. We live in a mean world, and it's not going to change until Christ comes back. But more that I have so many insecurities. I have tried to fill the void in so many ways, with blame on others, with strong church leadership, with a perfect husband, with dressing my children perfect and expecting perfectionism from them, with walls of safety, with deeds. And every time I found myself disappointed, lonely, and mad! I have taken any insecurity that starts to bubble up and allowed Satan to feed me with so many lies, that I had started to question EVERYTHING in my life. Even those with straight motives and pure hearts. I'm not going to continue into all the rest, but I am going to leave you with a list of epiphanies and verses, that I am working towards, through prayer and keeping my personal insecurities in check, through security in Christ.

1. Don't miss the will of God, Seek it through his word. Philippians 2:13, Ephesians 1:11

2. God does not want to be an anonymous coincidence in my life... where there is a blank, He will always fill it in.

3. I cannot amputate my history from my destiny.He has plans for me and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

4. God does not care what I look like, He seeks beauty within me, the beauty I will only find through the Love of the Lord. 1Peter 1:3-4, psalms 90:17

5. God appreciates my weaknesses, He does not see them as a fault but rather an opportunity. 1Corinthians 1:26-31

6. If I start to feel anxious and unworthy. I need to identify the threat, and look to God for the wise answer. 2 Cor 10:12

7. I can not fulfill my God ordained destiny while straddling the fence. I must die to myself and put on my Royal Robes as a child of God.

8. There is no denial in courage. I must face my faults. I must face my insecurities. Do not be afraid. Psalms 138:8 1 John 4:18

9. If I perish, I perish. I can not have conditional faith. Ester 4:16

10. Who Knows? I do! I will always know that you are my God! Ester 4:14


  1. Audra, So sorry to hear about your struggles. As you well know, that is when God seems to reach us the most. We have just started the Esther study this fall as well and I loved reading the things that you wrote from the study. Our lesson today was the one where she said that our destiny is tied to our history. I can truly attest to that. I don't know all the details about what has happened but I will be praying for you to find healing and security in God's love and grace. Please know that you can call or email me any time to talk. We miss you and love you and will be praying that God will use you where you are for His purpose. love ya! Dee Anne

  2. I appreciated your blog so much. I have had every single one of those thoughts so much lately and over the last year of our transition. I like that you can put it into words so the rest of us can read it. I have shut down like you did also and it leaves you so bitter. I did the esther study when we moved to abilene and it helped me so much. God will get you through this time of change and loneliness. Even though, I am still struggling, he continues to bless me. thanks for the bible verses! Cindy Pruitt

  3. Audra, Thanks for being so honest with your feelings and your struggles. I hate that you are going through this! I am enjoying the Ester Bible study and do feel so blessed to have so many people around to share their insight into things, I would never have thought of. I will be praying for you as you go through this hard time!

  4. Wow!! I kept saying, "yep, that's me. I know. I know. I know what you're feeling. I'm with you." Funny how God is merging the Esther study and the study on Wednesday night. They seem to be so much alike. You know, the only One who won't let you down is God. Always. He is the One to trust. Everyone else in this life will let you down and seem untrustworthy at one time or another, but our God will not, ever.