For a while now, I have been missing bible study. I missed having the commonality with other moms(of all ages), I missed the commonality of having women around that were willing to be "real", willing to lay down their guards in order to lift one another up as sisters in Christ. I finally decided I would be brave and do something out of my safe house, find a bible study. It is always amazing to me to see how God lays out cards one by one, and it all comes out to his glory. It is amazing to me that through a minister, Michael and I had met once, 4 months ago while looking for a new church home, that I would find not only a Ladies Bible Class, that offered everything I was seeking relationally, but also a study that would open my heart to hear God speak to me to the very pit of my soul.
I have over the last several months, been discouraged by my family and my church family. Hurt by the leaders of the church. Confused with why God would put my family in such a hard situation. Questioning everything I believed as a christian... and finding no answers except that I was lost and confused and feeling very alone. I have found myself feeling lost, shutting down to those around me. Several of our dear friends also left the church and we are now worshipping together in a home. Which brought up a whole new issue for me, b/c now instead of trying to ignore the sin and trials that were happening in our past church I had to face them dead on. I had to open myself up to trust people from the same family I was running from. I found myself daily wondering... what is their purpose? What are they going to do to hurt me? Why are they doing this to my family? As this continued on, I went out of town to help take care of my mom post surgery... I always get myself worked up to deal with situations with my family... and found myself on edge. Questioning every word said, every action taken. Very much on the defensive, and allowing it to carry on to every other relationship in my life at the time, my husband, my children, my dearest friends, and my church family(you know the ones I was avoiding).
At the same time, I started through the Beth Moore Ester study, I began to realize.... Yes, there are some people that are out to make you feel weak, and unworthy. We live in a mean world, and it's not going to change until Christ comes back. But more that I have so many insecurities. I have tried to fill the void in so many ways, with blame on others, with strong church leadership, with a perfect husband, with dressing my children perfect and expecting perfectionism from them, with walls of safety, with deeds. And every time I found myself disappointed, lonely, and mad! I have taken any insecurity that starts to bubble up and allowed Satan to feed me with so many lies, that I had started to question EVERYTHING in my life. Even those with straight motives and pure hearts. I'm not going to continue into all the rest, but I am going to leave you with a list of epiphanies and verses, that I am working towards, through prayer and keeping my personal insecurities in check, through security in Christ.
1. Don't miss the will of God, Seek it through his word. Philippians 2:13, Ephesians 1:11
2. God does not want to be an anonymous coincidence in my life... where there is a blank, He will always fill it in.
3. I cannot amputate my history from my destiny.He has plans for me and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
4. God does not care what I look like, He seeks beauty within me, the beauty I will only find through the Love of the Lord. 1Peter 1:3-4, psalms 90:17
5. God appreciates my weaknesses, He does not see them as a fault but rather an opportunity. 1Corinthians 1:26-31
6. If I start to feel anxious and unworthy. I need to identify the threat, and look to God for the wise answer. 2 Cor 10:12
7. I can not fulfill my God ordained destiny while straddling the fence. I must die to myself and put on my Royal Robes as a child of God.
8. There is no denial in courage. I must face my faults. I must face my insecurities. Do not be afraid. Psalms 138:8 1 John 4:18
9. If I perish, I perish. I can not have conditional faith. Ester 4:16
10. Who Knows? I do! I will always know that you are my God! Ester 4:14