Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Struggles and Insecurities... uuhhhhggg.

For a while now, I have been missing bible study. I missed having the commonality with other moms(of all ages), I missed the commonality of having women around that were willing to be "real", willing to lay down their guards in order to lift one another up as sisters in Christ. I finally decided I would be brave and do something out of my safe house, find a bible study. It is always amazing to me to see how God lays out cards one by one, and it all comes out to his glory. It is amazing to me that through a minister, Michael and I had met once, 4 months ago while looking for a new church home, that I would find not only a Ladies Bible Class, that offered everything I was seeking relationally, but also a study that would open my heart to hear God speak to me to the very pit of my soul.
I have over the last several months, been discouraged by my family and my church family. Hurt by the leaders of the church. Confused with why God would put my family in such a hard situation. Questioning everything I believed as a christian... and finding no answers except that I was lost and confused and feeling very alone. I have found myself feeling lost, shutting down to those around me. Several of our dear friends also left the church and we are now worshipping together in a home. Which brought up a whole new issue for me, b/c now instead of trying to ignore the sin and trials that were happening in our past church I had to face them dead on. I had to open myself up to trust people from the same family I was running from. I found myself daily wondering... what is their purpose? What are they going to do to hurt me? Why are they doing this to my family? As this continued on, I went out of town to help take care of my mom post surgery... I always get myself worked up to deal with situations with my family... and found myself on edge. Questioning every word said, every action taken. Very much on the defensive, and allowing it to carry on to every other relationship in my life at the time, my husband, my children, my dearest friends, and my church family(you know the ones I was avoiding).

At the same time, I started through the Beth Moore Ester study, I began to realize.... Yes, there are some people that are out to make you feel weak, and unworthy. We live in a mean world, and it's not going to change until Christ comes back. But more that I have so many insecurities. I have tried to fill the void in so many ways, with blame on others, with strong church leadership, with a perfect husband, with dressing my children perfect and expecting perfectionism from them, with walls of safety, with deeds. And every time I found myself disappointed, lonely, and mad! I have taken any insecurity that starts to bubble up and allowed Satan to feed me with so many lies, that I had started to question EVERYTHING in my life. Even those with straight motives and pure hearts. I'm not going to continue into all the rest, but I am going to leave you with a list of epiphanies and verses, that I am working towards, through prayer and keeping my personal insecurities in check, through security in Christ.

1. Don't miss the will of God, Seek it through his word. Philippians 2:13, Ephesians 1:11

2. God does not want to be an anonymous coincidence in my life... where there is a blank, He will always fill it in.

3. I cannot amputate my history from my destiny.He has plans for me and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

4. God does not care what I look like, He seeks beauty within me, the beauty I will only find through the Love of the Lord. 1Peter 1:3-4, psalms 90:17

5. God appreciates my weaknesses, He does not see them as a fault but rather an opportunity. 1Corinthians 1:26-31

6. If I start to feel anxious and unworthy. I need to identify the threat, and look to God for the wise answer. 2 Cor 10:12

7. I can not fulfill my God ordained destiny while straddling the fence. I must die to myself and put on my Royal Robes as a child of God.

8. There is no denial in courage. I must face my faults. I must face my insecurities. Do not be afraid. Psalms 138:8 1 John 4:18

9. If I perish, I perish. I can not have conditional faith. Ester 4:16

10. Who Knows? I do! I will always know that you are my God! Ester 4:14

Monday, September 21, 2009

Catchin' up.

Hello to all our friends and family. Sorry I have been so behind, if you are still even looking at our blog kudos! I have had so many things on my mind to write and can't seem to get them organized enough to make any sense so for now I'm just going to give you our month in review. But please be praying and keep a look out for upcoming posts, on some personal lessons that have touched me and I hope will help make an impact in someone elses life as well.

But for now it is traveling, kids, and family.
August 20th, we left and headed out west... My mom had double knee replacement and we went to be with her through surgery and then to stay and help her through the first couple of weeks. The trip was long and the kids did very little sleeping. I did get this pic, before everyone woke up.

I couldn't believe the bruising my mom had after surgery, but she did great. She is now, 3 weeks post surgery, up walking, driving, going up and down stairs and hardly using her walker at all!!! Great job, mom!!

Michael turned the Big 30 on the 3oth. Happy Birthday sweetheart! He is so silly.

My dad turned the big 60 on the 31st. Happy Birthday Dad!

The boys loved being in the country. They spent 75% of their time outside enjoying the wonderful dry climate and wide open spaces! They spent their days, playing in the dirt...

Catching frogs...

Petting horses... and most important spending time with grandparents.

This is my grandma and grandpa... The boys thought they were wonderful, especially Brennan.

The boys have grown so much, here are a few pics of all the brothers, hanging out in Memaw and Grandad's beautiful yard.

We spent a lot of time with family during out trip. It was so nice to spend time with so many of you...

Memaw and Grandad (my parents) Above

Jason(brother), Ana, Colton, Wesley, and Trey (below)

December, Echo, and Me... Sweet Cousins.

On the way home, the boys and I stoped in Crawford and spent some time with Granny and Papa (Michael's parents) Michael met us there and we had a great time together. It rained pretty much the whole weekend, so Papa let the boys play with the umbrella's in the rain. They had so much fun!

I feel so blessed that I was able to help take care of my mother and serve her in that way. It was also a blessing for me to spend some good time with family we dont see very often. And the boys to see that family as well. But I say all that to also say the boys and I sure missed Michael throught all this time. This was by far the longest we have ever been away from one another, and don't want to do that again any time soon. Well... you are now, for the most part, almost, very close, to being caught up. :)


Mom, I am so proud of you and the persistance you have shown me through the whole process of your surgery and physical therapy. I know you will continue to have your good days and your bad days but, keep up the great work! Love you!